Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding.
This week's humour is focused on Drinking:
Ben Cohen had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. Ben figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife, Yente, standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
Yente replied "The pub called—you left your wheelchair there again."
This guy goes into the bar every night and orders three beers. In fact every night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them all by himself. Three beers...every night. Not two. Never 4. Always 3.
Well, the bartender can't figure this out. Without fail this guy comes in. The bartender finally says to the guy "Every night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order two beers, or four beers; always three."
The guy says "Yes, there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer at night when we were in Vietnam. One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we return to the States. We also decided if one of us didn't make it, the other two would drink the third one's beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking
The bartender felt bad.
Well, the next night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Night after night this guy now orders only two beers. This went on for some time and the bartender was sopuzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.
The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here."
The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon Church and I can't drink beer any more."
You must have heard about the Jew from Soviet Georgia who came to Israel to live. Well every night or so he would get together with his Gruzzini friends and eat and drink into the night. Then one night when he and his friends were eating together, they started to open a bottle of wine to make a lechaim as is traditional at these nightly meals. "No, sorry." The man refused his friends' offer of a little wine, "I was at the doctor's office today and the doctor told me that I can't drink wine or spirits any more; it's bad for my health," he apologized.
"What do you mean?" they queried. "We always get together, eat and make lachaims. Are you really not going to drink with us?" they asked.
"Sorry, but what can I do? That's the doctor's orders!"
The next evening they all got together again and began to eat and drink. "Let's make a lechaim!" They started to pour themselves each a large glass of wine.
"NO, no! Sorry, I can't drink. Doctor's orders, bad for my health," the man explained again.
"What, again you are not going to drink with us?" his friends complained.
"What can I do? Doctor's orders," the man explained.
And again the scene was repeated the next night also. "What, are you serious?" his friends complained. "Are you going to spend the rest of your life with out drinking? You'll ruin your life!"
"What can I do? Doctor's orders," the man sadly explained.
The next night when they got together to eat and drink. They began to pour each other a lachaim. However this time the man stuck out his glass "here, fill up my glass with some of that wine!"
Astounded, his friends stared at him in amazement. "What happened? We thought that it was forbidden for you to drink wine? Doctor's orders and all?"
"Well," the man began to explain, "I went to the doctor and asked him if it was still bad for my health to drink and he said yes. So I took out fifty dollars and slipped it to him under the table. So he changed his mind and said it would be OK to drink!"