Monday, March 26, 2012

Jewish Humor: Food & Eating

Monday Humor


Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding.


The focus this week is on food and eating. 

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An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.

The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread", comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old man replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!"

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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!

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A woman enters a kosher butcher shop and tells the kid behind the counter,

"I would like a Long Island Duck!"

The kid runs in the back and brings out a duck. She immediately sticks her index finger up the duck's tuchas, and twirls it. She then looks at the kid and yells,

"This is a New Jersey duck. I said a Long Island duck, Dummy!"

The kid runs in the back and comes out with a second duck. After sticking her finger is the second duck she yells,

"This is a Rhode Island duck. I said a Long Island duck. How dumb can you be?"

The kid runs in the back again and comes out with a third duck and says,

"I hope this is what yu want lady. It's the last duck we have.

After sitcking her finger up the behind of the third duck she says, "Ah! This is a Long Island duck. I'll take it! Wrap it up!"

As the kid is wrapping the duck, she says

"Your'e not too bright, are you! Your'e new around here. Where are you from, any way?"

The kid bends down with his tuchas toward her and says, "Here lady! You tell me!"

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