Monday, March 5, 2012

Jewish Humor: Religion

Monday Humor


The focus this week is on members of the clergy.

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The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says:

"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira."

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.

The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50"

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."


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As part of an ecumenical exchange, a rabbi is invited to an evening meal at a monastery.

After a delightful meal one of the monks stands up and says "281"

There are a few quiet giggles, then another stands up and says "356" Again more giggles.

Intrigued as to what is going on, the rabbi enquires of the abbot about what the numbers mean.

"Well" says the abbot, "we have been living together for so many years that know all each others jokes, so to save having to repeat them, we have given each of them a number, its simply a way of saving time."

"Why don't you have a go?" suggests the abbot.

So the rabbi stands up and says "2829"

All the monks suddenly collapse in fits of unrestrained laughter. Finally the abbot restrains himself with great difficulty.

The rabbi asks, "Why is my joke so funny?"

The monk replies "They havn't heard that one before!"

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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are attending an ecumenical conference in another town, and they stop at a bar at the end of the day. The priest pulls out a deck of cards and pretty soon they've got a little poker game going -- only to be busted by an overzealous policeman enforcing the town's strict anti-gambling laws. So they're hauled before a judge the next morning, and everybody's kind of embarrassed about it, including the judge.

"Look," he says, "just tell me you weren't gambling, and I'll let you go."

"Well," says the priest, "gambling qua gambling seems to me to imply some sort of intent to win money or with the idea that it would exchange hands at the end of the evening, whereas considering a hypothetical situation such as the one we were engaged in where the money is taking on more of the role of a token merely for tracking the interplay of the game and the relative ..." and so on.

"Fine," says the judge, "You can go."

The minister steps up. "It seems to me that given divine foreknowledge of all events, even if we mortals are not so gifted raises the question of whether gambling as a concept can really .." and so on also, and is similarly dismissed by the judge, just leaving the rabbi in the courtroom.

"Well?" asks the judge. "Rabbi, were you gambling?"

The rabbi looks around and shrugs his shoulders. "Gambling? With who?"

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