Monday, April 2, 2012

Jewish Humor: The Holidays

Monday Humor


Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding.

This week's humour is focused on the Jewish holiday of Passover (Pesach):

Yitzchok makes a call from his home in Florida to his son in New York and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Emah."

Benny is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Avie, you just can't decide to divorce Emah just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Emah? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me, it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Avie, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Isaac receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Yitzchok promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Yitzchok turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"

***************************************

An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.

The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said, “Case dismissed!”

The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said, “Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah … and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!”

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!”

The ACLU lawyer pompously said, “We are aware of no such holiday for atheists … just when might that be?”

The judge said, “Well it comes every year at the same time … April 1st!”

***************************************

When Pharaoh got nasty and mean and deceiving 
 and wouldn't agree to the Israelites' leaving, 
 G-d sent him ten plagues so he might change his mind, 
 and the Jews could leave terrible Egypt behind. 

 There was blood in the gutters 
 and frogs in the butter, 
 and lice on their heads 
 and beasts in their beds, 
 disease in the cattle 
 and big boils in the saddle. 
 Hail started showering 
 and locusts devouring. 
 It turned dark as a pit. 
 Then the first-born were hit.

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