Monday, April 9, 2012

Jewish Humor: Marriage & Married Life


Monday Humor

Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding.

This week's humour is focused on marriage and married life:

Moshe and Esther go to see the rabbi before their marriage.

The Rabbi says “Vell Moshe, tell me about yourself.”

“Vell Rabbi, dis is mein thoid marriage.”

“OK,” says the Rabbi, “Esther, tell me about yourself.”

“Vell Rabbi, dis is also my third marriage.”

“Oi,” says the Rabbi, “at last, I’m dealing mit professionals.”

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A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex? 

Can we finally have sex?" 

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?" 

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?" 

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing!"
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Little Shimmy came home from school one day and found his mother in a new mink coat.

“Wow, Mom. That poor animal must have suffered terribly just so you could have a fur coat.”

“Why, Shimmy!” exclaimed his shocked mother. “What kind of a way is that to talk about your father?”

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