Monday, May 21, 2012

Jewish Humour: Children


Monday Humor

Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding.

This week's humour is focused on Children


A mother writes a letter to her son.
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

I hope you are well. Please don't worry about me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten pounds in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me—we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year.

Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is —the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love, Mum

***********************************
Bette and Freda were speaking about their sons, each of whom was currently serving jail sentences.

Bette says: "Oy, my Benny has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, He never speaks to anyone nor does he see the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."

Freda says: "Well, mine Jacob is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week."

"Oy," says Bette, "You must get such naches from Jacob."

****************************************
Benjamin has just completed his first year at Manchester University and rings his mother Miriam. 

"Mum," he says, "if it’s OK with you, I’ll be coming home next weekend to see you and dad."

"If it’s OK with me?" she replies, crying. "Oh Benjy, of course it will be OK with me. You give me so much naches. I’m thrilled you’re coming. I just can’t wait to see you again. I’ll make you all you favourite food. But please drive carefully."

When the call is over, Miriam immediately starts getting his old room ready for him. The weekend quickly arrives and all goes well. There are many things they talk about, but then she asks him, "So, my boychick, you have a nice girlfriend already in Manchester?"

Benjamin was prepared for this question. He knew it would come up during his visit. "Well, mum," he replies, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

"So give me the bad news first," she replies, looking very worried.

"I'm gay, mum," he replies.

"Oy vay!" cries Miriam, "so tell me the good news before I faint on the floor."

"I'm in love with such a nice doctor, mum," he replies.

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