Monday, May 7, 2012

Jewish Humour: Husbands

Monday Humor


Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding 


This week's humour is focused on Husbands

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything", she told her friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes." "Tillie," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace." 

"What was in the envelopes?" Tillie's friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably." 

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva." "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. 

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring. "So," said Tillie, "You like my stone?"

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Six Jewish men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five completed their game standing up.

Whereupon, Finkelstein looked around and asked, “Who is going to tell the wife?” They drew straws.

Goldberg, who was always a loser, picked the short one. His fellow cardplayers told him to be discreet, be gentle, and don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me.”

Goldberg schlepped over to the Meyerowitz apartment and knocked on the door. The wife answered and asked Goldberg what he wanted. Goldberg declared, “Your husband just lost $500 at the poker game.”

She hollered, “TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!”

Goldberg said, “I’ll tell him.”

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.

“Wonderful. What part is it?”

The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”

The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

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