Monday, March 11, 2013

Jewish Humour: Food

Monday Humour

Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding.
Monday Humour is back for a few weeks, at least; this week the focus is on Food:

An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.

The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread", comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old man replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!"

Little Yossi and his family were having dinner at his bubbe's house. When everyone was seated, the food was served. As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right away. 

"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer," said his father.
"I don't have to," Yossi replied. 

"Of course you have to," said his mother. "Don’t we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"
"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained. "This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook."

One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant. Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Sadie just sits there watching him enjoy himself. 

Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate, Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the table. 

“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?” 

So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you said yes.” 

Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about me. My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten his half, it will soon be my turn.” 

“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo. 

“The teeth.”

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals.” 

“Why,” asked the Rabbi. 

“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.” 

“That’s twice you’ve broken the law but you still haven’t told me why.” 

“The food wasn’t kosher.” 

“You ate non-kosher food?” asked the Rabbi. 

“It wasn’t a Jewish restaurant.” 

“That makes it even worse,” said the now angry Rabbi. “Couldn’t you have eaten in a kosher one?” 

“What, on Yom Kippur?”