Monday, March 18, 2013

Jewish Humour: Sex

Monday Humor

Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding.


This week's humour is focused on Sex:

Rachel, completely fed up with her husband's Internet obsession finally takes matters into her own hands.

One night as Morris is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.

She pulls open the coat and yells, " Your Time for Super Sex!"

He ignores her.

So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!"

Finally Morris replies..... "Ok, I'll take the soup."

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged and one young (newly wed)—wanted to join a Jewish temple. The rabbi said, "We have special requirements for new congregants. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. 

The rabbi went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, rabbi." "Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!" said the rabbi. 

The rabbi went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "And were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks as well?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. On the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!" said the rabbi. 

The rabbi then went to the young, newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No, rabbi, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "

What Happened?" inquired the rabbi. "Well, we made it though the first week, but then my beautiful wife was reaching for a can of paint on a high shelf and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust... and that was that." 

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our temple," stated the rabbi. 

"We figured as much," said the young man. "We're not welcome at "Home Depot" anymore either."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." 

The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer. 

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! 

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi. 

The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." 

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" 

The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were wife would have the maid do it.