Monday, April 15, 2013

Jewish Humour: Chutzpah

Monday Humor

Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding.

This week's humour is focused on Chutzpah:

Morty Rosenthal is a new member of the Golden Goose retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden. Rebecca, out for her morning constitutional, sees Morty, and says "Do you mind?"

"Not at all" Morty says.

So Rebecca sits down on the opposite end of his bench. 

"So nu, you're new here?" Rebecca asks rhetorically. 

"Yes" Morty affims. 

"So nu, you are from where?" Rebecca inquires. 

"Washington" Morty answers. 

"The capitol or the state?" asks Rebecca. 

"The state" replies Morty. 

"So nu, how old are you?" Rebecca asks. 

"I'll be 72 in October." Morty replies.

Not yet satisfied with the answers, Rebecca presses on with "What did you do in Washington?" 

"I was in prison" Morty retorts. 

"Oy vey! Really?" says Rebecca. "What were you in prison for?" 

"My wife of twenty years was always asking stupid questions, so I murdered her and put her down the garbage disposal" he says. 

"Sooo," purrs Rebecca, "you're single?"

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Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5,000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know the programming language JAVA PLUS to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room. 

But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I don’t know this language, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try." 

Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room. 

But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy, I never managed anyvun but myself, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" So he stays. 

Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who don’t have degrees in People Management to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room. 

But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay, I left school at 15 so I never vent to university, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room. 

Bill Gates finally asks all the remaining candidates who don’t speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. 

But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay Zmir, I don’t speak Serbo-Croat, but vat the hell! Haff I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room and finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone. 

Bill Gates joins them and says, "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language." Calmly, Maurice Cohen turns to the other candidate and says to him, "Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot."

The other candidate answers, "Shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza."

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A general noticed one of his Israeli soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The army psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge paper from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: " Oy, oy...That's it."

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