Monday, April 8, 2013

Jewish Humour: Cultural Differences

Monday Humor

Much of the Jewish humour on this site can be found in this wonderful book: The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, compiled and edited by Henry D. Spalding.

This week's humour is focused on Cultural Differences:

Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Britisher and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters the hunter they can have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks the American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.
"I'd like a have smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my rear end."
"Be serious," says the top cannibal.
"C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.
"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.
The American and Brit are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demand.
Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."

The Dutchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have gin."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Cognac."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have whisky."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Korean says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have soju."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

What would have happened if Three Wise Jewish Women had gone to Bethlehem instead of Three Wise Men? 
  1. They Would Have Asked Directions. 
  2. Arrived On Time. 
  3. Helped Deliver The Baby. 
  4. Hired Someone To Clean The Stable. 
  5. Made A Brisket. 
  6. And Brought Practical Gifts. 
And What Would They Have Said to Each Other After They Left?
  1. "Did You See The Sandals Mary was Wearing With That Schmatta?" 
  2. "That Baby Doesn't Look Anything Like Joseph!" 
  3. "Virgin? I Knew Her In School!" 
  4. "Can You Believe They Let All Of Those Disgusting Animals In There?" 
  5. "I Heard That Joseph Doesn't Have A Job." 
  6. "And That Donkey They Are Riding Has Seen Better Days!" 
  7. "We'll Just See How Long It Will Take To Get Your Brisket Dish Back." 

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